


Kiss Me, Kiss Me

by tobeaskeleton



Category: Seinfeld
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Male Character, F/F, Gay Male Character, Humor, Kinsey Scale, Lesbian Character, M/M, Pansexual Character, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-16
Updated: 2017-12-16
Packaged: 2019-02-15 13:57:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13032609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tobeaskeleton/pseuds/tobeaskeleton
Summary: When Elaine is dating a woman, Jerry and George decide to analyze their own sexualities.





	Kiss Me, Kiss Me

On one rainy Tuesday in New York, Jerry Seinfeld was relaxing, watching the Mets game, when Elaine waltzed into his apartment with no warning, as usual. Seriously, what if he was actually busy or something for once? Of course, he never was, but there was also a situation where he, hypothetically, was interrupted from doing something important.

But nothing was more world changing than what Elaine was about to say.

“Jerry, I think I’m a lesbian,” Elaine said. He looked up at her, his eyes comically wide.

“Yeah?” he asked in disbelief. 

“Yeah,” she answered calmly.

“Yeah?!” he asked again.

“Well, you know-”

“-No not really!”

Elaine crossed her arms. “Do you have a problem with this?”

“No!” Jerry said. “No, of course not, I just. How do you know?” 

“Well, I started dating a woman.”

“Huh,” Jerry said. Elaine sat down across from him but failed to elaborate. “And?”

“And, well, I like her more than any other man I’ve been with.” 

“Even in the…” Jerry began, raising an eyebrow. “You know…”

“Especially there,” Elaine said pointedly. “I think I’ve always kind of known.”

“I mean, beyond the initial shock, I kind of get it…” Jerry said. “I mean I always knew we got along well, we have a lot in common… I just didn’t think women were one of those things.”

-

That night, Jerry worked the interaction into his comedy routine, using humor to cope with life’s perculararities, as per usual. 

“You know, I don’t know what upsets guys so much about the idea of women loving other women. I mean, seriously. Have you ever seen women?” The audience laughs. “And have you ever seen us?” He says, stressing his own masculinity. 

The truth was, Jerry found the female form just objectively better, in an artistic sense. It doesn’t mean he had never considered what it would be like to be with a man, but that was another story. Maybe he was blind to a certain nuance of sexuality that had nothing to do with objective beauty, but some other form of wanting. 

After his routine, Jerry went to Monk’s with his good buddy, George Costanza. The strange and neurotic man ranting about one thing or another when Jerry dropped the news.

“So Elaine is dating a woman,” Jerry said, calmly.

“Elaine is dating a woman?” George asked.

“Elaine is dating a woman,” Jerry answered.

“Interesting,” George said. He was taking the news with a lot less shock than Jerry anticipated. 

“Well, why aren’t you surprised?”

“To be honest, I sort of saw it a little before, but I mean, I think that about everyone…” George muttered.

“You think everyone is a lesbian?” Jerry asked.

“Well, all my exes seem to be!” George said. He began to vigorously sip his chamomile tea. 

“George! Why didn’t you tell me!”

“I mean, I couldn’t know for sure! Who knows if anyone can know for sure,” George said with a sigh.

“What do you mean no one can know for sure?”

“I mean, isn’t everyone a little bit unsure? Like, you have to be,” George shrugged.

“So you’re saying you’re unsure,” Jerry said. George glared at him.

“Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about it before!” George argued.

Jerry laughed it off, changing to topic quickly.

-

Elaine’s girlfriend was a blonde. A tall, hot blonde to be exact. Jerry stared at the woman in disbelief. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting but it most certainly wasn’t this.

“Hello…” Jerry began

“Janet,” the woman replied.

“Janet,” Jerry agreed. They shook hands. Just then Kramer walked in and greeted Janet with a hug.

“Kramer!” Janet exclaimed.

“She knows him?” Jerry asked.

“They’re…” Elaine began. She sighed. “They’re cousins.”

“You’re dating a Kramer,” Jerry laughed. Elaine rolled her eyes. Just then, George walked in. 

“Hey Jerry and-” He turned to Janet. “Who is this?” he asked, smirking playfully.

“Elaine’s girlfriend,” Jerry said. George awkwardly shook Janet’s hand and sat down to reflect on his awkward failures.

George Costanza knew how it was with him and women. Sometimes, it was like he set himself intentionally to fail. But why would he do that? It’s not like he’s some sort of homosexual.

There was that massage once…

He shook the thought out of his head. No. He wasn’t gay. He wasn’t a gay man, he couldn’t be. Pondering this, he didn’t even notice when Elaine, Janet, and Kramer exited the apartment. 

“You okay there, George?” Jerry asked. He sounded genuinely concerned.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” George replied. Jerry closed the door. “Do you think they’re… y’know?”

“How should I know?” Jerry asked.

“It doesn’t bother you?” George mused. “Since you and Elaine were together, and now she’s switched teams.”

“I mean,” Jerry Seinfeld considered. “Sexuality is fluid. She can be with men and now have no attraction to them at all. I’m okay with it if she’s happy.”

“Fluid, huh…” George said. “So that means that if you sleep with man it doesn’t make you gay forever, it can change?”

“Well, not exactly-” Jerry began

“-So if we were to persay see what it was like, it wouldn’t make us homosexuals.”

Jerry paused, looked at George’s earnest expression. Genuinely and sincerely, he did love George, deep down. He used his humor to show it, however, teasing the shorter man instead of confessing his feelings. 

“George…” Jerry sighed, but George was insistent.

“What?” George asked. “You’re the one who said it, not me!” He paused. “Now that I think about it, I don’t think a man has ever hit on me. Is there something wrong? Like do I not release the aura?”

“The aura?” Jerry asked. “You are… an adorable man, George.”

“Adorable?” George asked, blushing. “So, you know, if you were gay-”

“-Sure I would!”

George stood. “Fine!”

Jerry stood. “Fine!”

“Fine!” George repeated. He took Jerry’s face in his hands and kissed him. 

Jerry was flustered before he mustered out a final, “Fine!” Then, George left.

-

The next afternoon, Jerry was still thinking about the kiss. Then, Kramer walked in eating a large watermelon.

“Hey, Jerry,” Kramer said.

“Hey, Kramer.” He paused. “Ever kiss another man before?” 

“Well, sure,” Kramer said. He then failed to elaborate.

“Well?” Jerry asked.

“I mean, it’s not like I’m straight.”

“Wait, what?” Jerry asked.

“I mean I lean toward women but…”

“What are you, then?” Jerry asked. “You can like men and women?”

“I like more than men and women, Jerry,” Kramer laughed. “I love everything in between. Yeah, I’m pan.”

“Pan?”

“Pansexual.”

“Huh,” Jerry said. “Pan-sexual. Maybe I also like men and women. This is all hypothetical, of course.” 

“Yes, yes,” Kramer said. “You’re on the Kinsey scale.”

“What about bisexual?” Jerry asked.

“Whatever is comfortable to you, man,” Kramer said, patting his back and exiting. 

Just then, George entered. “I’m gay, Jerry. I’m a gay man.”

“If you are? Well then, I suppose I’m a both man. A, uh, bi man.”

“You are?” George asked, raising an eyebrow. Jerry carrassed the peculiar face of George Costanza. 

“I’m pretty sure.”

-

So, Jerry and George were on a double date with Janet and Elaine.

“It seems we are all a lot more queer than I originally thought,” Jerry said. Elaine and Janet laughed. 

“I can still go back, though, right?” George asked. They all gave him a look. “Just kidding!”

“You know, George,” Jerry said. “I think this is going to be bad for my comedy. How am I supposed to make observational humor about dating when I like you too much?”

“You’ll find a way, Jerry,” Elaine laughed. 

And they did. They all got married and Kramer officiated each wedding.


End file.
